Author: George R.R. Martin
ISBN: 9783442268474
Pages: 832
Description: Do you remember that bit in the Scream movie where Stu Macher (played by Matthew Lillard), turns to all the other film geeks and sets out the now famed set of rules for surviving a horror film and making it into the sequel? (FYI those rules were: Never have sex. Do not drink and never say “i’ll be right back”)
Well someone should be writing a similar set of rules for the characters in the Song of Fire and Ice Series because, oh boy are these guys in trouble. Despite the numerous sellswords, hedge knights, rogues, assassins, Sers and Lords running about the place in full armour and with more oversized silverware and valerian steel than the kitchen department at John Lewis, no one is more fearsome in the culling stakes than George RR Martin himself. Watch out Westeros, Wildlings beyond the wall and everyone in the Land Beyond the Sea… Martin has the biggest axe and no one can stop if from falling…. or knows where it might fall next!
Once again, this review will be scant on detail as it is impossible to discuss one iota of this epic without giving the game away and creating civil unrest amongst a legion of George RR Martin fans in the making. So… here’s what has happened so far:
XXXXX is dead
And so is XXXXX
XXXXX has been poisoned
Ooh and so was XXXXX but they had it coming really and the only tears you’d want to shed in their direction are Tears of Lys.
XXXXX is mortally wounded and so is XXXXX although probably it would only be a matter of time before the killed each other anyway.
XXXXX and XXXXX are both dead too.
XXXXX is also gone to the grave. XXXXX went to the grave and then came back.
And XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX all died in various battles but they were mostly just lesser characters with walk on/carried off parts anyway.
XXXXX died on the toilet.
None of them will be making it into the sequel unless they’re getting a free pass to Wight world.
XXXXX and surprisingly XXXXX are still alive. So is XXXXX.
XXXXX and XXXXX are on the run. XXXXX has become an unlikely ally. XXXXX and XXXXX are at the wall. The XXXXX has turned up and so has XXXXX. No one seems to be looking for XXXXX and XXXXX is out of sight and out of mind and growing in strength.
So, how do you learn to duck, quick enough and low enough to avoid the George RR Martin cull?
1. Don’t offer to be a king, appoint yourself as king or have any claim to any throne or kingdom anywhere. There are a lot of kings around at the moment too but believe me, there is no safety in numbers.
2. Don’t be a hero.
3. Don’t be a coward either.
4. Don’t treat with sellswords
5. Don’t become a born again religious convert.
6. Don’t be jealous.
7. Don’t be coveteous.
8. Don’t be related to any Starks.
9. Don’t be related to any Lannisters.
10. Don’t be in possession of anything that either the Starks, Lannisters, Tullys, Freys, Boltons, Baratheons, Targaryens, Florents, Redwynes, Umbers, Flynts, Fossoways, Kettlebacks, Ostermonts, Karstarks, Mollens, Talharts, Glovers, Seaworths, Greyjoys, Slynts, Celtigars, Cerwyns or Marbrands want.
In short there is very little you can do in order to make it into the sequel. Maybe your safest option would be to take the black?
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